Starting... The Hardest Part!

Ok, lets be real, and I think the hardest part is going to be "getting real" with myself. I have been a "bigger"girl my entire life... It always seemed like my friends were always smaller then me. Now... I am more then just a "bigger" girl, I am FAT. Going to the doctor is hard, going shopping and buying bigger sizes of clothes every time is hard, looking at family photos is HARD, everything about being fat and knowing that I am is hard.

I don't know when it hit me, probably a long time ago, but I was living in denial. I think that is my biggest struggle is that I lived "big" for so long that I have like fat goggles. You know how there are beer goggles that make people look better, well my "fat goggles" make me look skinnier every morning. Somehow, the goggles always seem to disappear as soon as I leave the house. I avoid REALLY looking at myself in the mirror, because I don't want to see the fat form that is myself. I want to just stay in my little bubble where I can be naive and pretend that I am not fat.

Well that bubble BURST! Recently my aunt died, and it kind of crashed my world. I ate and ate and ate! I found out that I am NOT one of those girls that will stop eating and lose a bunch of weight when I get sad, but I am that girl that will eat all of my emotions away and gain a whole bunch of weight. With that said, we had to travel to texas to go to the funeral. My family loaded up and got on the plane to fly down there, all settled in our seats, I went to buckle myself in and for the first time EVER the sides just would not reach. Now my heart broke, my stomach sunk, and all I really wanted to do was cry. Not know what to do, I looked around the airplane and across the aisle at my parents and my brother who were buckled and settled into their seats. Panic hit, now I am not the worst flyer, but I do want that seatbelt just for my peace of mind. WHAT DO I DO???? I look up a couple aisles and see another large man, he was asking for a seatbelt extension. (I did not even know things like that existed until right then) So I very quietly ask the flight attendant for an extension. She brought it to me and the rest of the flight went very smoothly. While in Texas, there was food EVERYWHERE! Now I am talking the ultimate comfort food at your fingertips all day for 3 days straight. So I ate, and ate, and ate, and drank, and ate. We ended up taking some pictures of the whole family, because it is so rare  that all (now) 5 of my dads siblings are all in the same place. Somehow with all of my skinny cousins and family members I ended up in the front somehow. Needless to say, I HATE every single one of them. my HUGE belly is hanging out just chillin' in every single one. Then just like the flight there on the way back I had to once again ask for an extension for my seat belt. (at least this time I knew they existed this time, so not nearly as much panic)

Ok, I am ending this pity party.

A little more then a year ago I met the love of my life (further referred to as the boy). He makes me so very happy and is truly supportive of everything that I want to do. (so far it has been, extreme couponing, sewing, crafting, tackling my jungle of a back yard, and that is just a couple of the projects I have attempted so far) He also loves me, with the huge belly, the back rolls, and fat jiggly arms. He also supports me in this journey which means the world to me. :)

So I have "dieted" FOR-EV-ER! So I guess I have been aware that I am fat for a long time. The weight watchers, counting calories, taking stupid pills, working out, a personal trainer. I HAVE TRIED IT! It always works (well besides the stupid pills those never work) and then I just stop. Lose 5 pounds, stop watching what I am eating and working out, gain 10 pounds. That has been my life for WAY to long now. So here is the Cold Honest Truth.

I started this journey weighing 276 pounds. I haven't measured myself yet. I know that I need to but I am scared. Now I did start doing this 3 weeks ago. The first week I had lost 3 pounds, last week I had lost 2 more pounds. That made my total 271 pounds.

I was suppose to weigh in yesterday, I pushed it off until today, and I once again pushed it off today. I don't know why I am so scared to do this weigh in. Really I do, I was on "vacation" last week. Really I was just a week I didn't have to go to work, and got to be lazy at the house all week long. Of course that meant that I ate a whole lot of junk food all week long... So tomorrow it is! I promise to you, and more so myself that I will weigh in tomorrow.